I have noticed since I have been on the internet that there are many bullies. People who would never be rude to anyone get to the point of yelling at anyone who disagrees with them. Discussions can not be found because others want to be the center of attention. Name calling and other incidents are games of oppression.
Everyones advice is always to leave it alone. That it will die down and it only makes everyone else have to suffer also. Yet in real life no one would put up with someone who does this or would they? Is the lack of action against others with bad social habits on the internet acceptable because everyone puts up with such bad behavior from others in their life off of the computer.
Could the abusers on the internet really be the poor people who are trying to be the center of attention because they have absolutely nothing going for them? Except maybe a fake name and fake history? Could the real reason they are abusing others and acting badly be because they have miserable lives where they are victimized all of the time and instead of learning from it become abusers?
I was 7 years old when I encountered my first bully. I told my father about it after my cut lip and dirtied clothes how I had been pushed down and my candy bar taken from me. My fathers response was to tell me that the only value I had in life was the value I put on myself. I was a smart person who could do anything I wanted to do. I just had to like myself and my own actions and do what I felt was right. He then taught me how to fight to defend myself.
The next time the bully came up and shoved me he got a right cross to the chin and was laying on the ground. He became my best friend for most of my childhood. Yet the internet is not like that as people do not have to say anything to your face. They can slander you and talk about you and be sneaky. They can twist your words and call you names. Once you respond back they try to say you mean that about everyone instead of the person you are talking too.
As if everyone was like them and of course you meant that to every other person. You try to prove you are not what they say and it is ego or lies. You tell them you do not like abuse and they go out of their way to heap it on you even when they do not know what they are talking about in any way.
I have had this experience again. I realize now it is 90% about them and their egos. The problem is that people try to say bad behavior does not matter. I disagree as it just means if you drop it they do not get their jollies by being the center of attention. The behavior does matter because they will abuse someone else. It is why groups are moderated because there is always someone out there taking out their miserable life upon others.
In one way those opinions are true as the internet is not real life and you can always block the senders of nasty emails. Yet you can not stop others from reading the comments and believing them. It is the part that bothers me the most about it. What if someone really believes them and is ignorant enough to cause problems.
I guess that is true every where in life yet I believe I enjoyed it more when I was a child and could deal with such things. I guess the main thing is to not put up with anyone doing that to anyone else and for moderators to act like moderators. People can be hurt as badly by the actions of others on the internet as they can every where else.
It is part of the problems with communications and validation. People talk on the internet to make friends and be validated by others interested in the same subjects. They communicate to enjoy talking about a subject they are fascinated with and enjoy. Yet if we wait to be validated on the internet or anywhere else everyone will be waiting a long time.
Showing posts with label validation. Show all posts
Showing posts with label validation. Show all posts
Friday, November 28, 2008
Monday, November 17, 2008
Validation
I had a discussion today with a client of mine about validation. I will do the explanation of validation here according to the Wikipedia Encyclopedia
In psychology and human communication, validation is the reciprocated communication of respect which communicates that the other's opinions are acknowledged, respected, heard, and (regardless whether or not the listener actually agrees with the content), they are being treated with genuine respect as a legitimate expression of their feelings, rather than marginalized or dismissed.
I do agree with this opinion in many ways. Yet if we are judging ourselves and wait for others to validate us it may be a long wait. We have to like our own actions not wait for someone else to notice and give us comments to let us know we are doing the correct thing.
I notice in cases of abuse that causes evil to link to the victims they are all waiting for someone else to validate them and love them. Yet validation is for opinions and communication. They are validated as a person by their actions. Someone has to like themselves and their actions to be validated on the inside. They will never have enough love, nice comments, or happiness in life if they can not like themselves and their actions.
Parents that are abusive many times do not teach ethics or the fact that everything a person does has a reaction to their actions. In other words the repercussions of invalid actions are blurred because the abusive parent does not care if the child is right or wrong in their behavior. It is all about them and their feelings no matter what they do to the child.
Ninety percent of how an abusive person acts is about them. Someone points out some imperfection, ticked them off or made them mad. They are unable to be mad at the person who caused the feelings so take it out on an innocent person or child. Yet many of the victims never realize it is the other persons problems they are suffering for in their lives.
They accept the blame and then wait their entire lives for someone to make them feel right in their behavior and actions. To make them feel loved and place their problems all on the outside when they need to work on the inside.
You can be validated by others but the main person to care about is your own validation. You have to ask yourself did I like my actions? Am I proud of myself even if no one else seems to care? Do I love myself as no one else can do this for me no matter how much they love me. Am I reacting instead of thinking where I let others push my buttons so I act in ways I do not like acting? It is then how to correct any answers to these questions that the person does not like.
The only way to overcome abuse is to not carry it into others lives. It is wrong to take out everything upon others because you can not take them out on the circumstances that caused your feelings. It is hard to overcome the anxiety of others being upset at you no matter what you are doing.
I know I try to do certain things in my life.
1. Know what I did, saw, and reacted to and whether I was right in what I did? I have borderline decisions to make at times. I have to do the best I can and if I have done my best did the person I was helping carry their part of the burden. People do not listen to instructions and many times will not do what others ask yet they will blame the person effectiveness.
2. When abused and treated badly did I stand up for myself and cut the situation loose with forgivness. Abuse is just that and there is no excuse for it and no excuse to put up with it. Instead of complaining everyone is a grown up. If a person has to abuse me I walk away forgive them and will not work with them again.
3. Do I like myself? If I can not like myself when I think of how I acted when something happened then it is obvious that I did not do everything correctly. No one is perfect but I try to make myself and my work the best it can be.
4. Do not try to be a nice person. You either are a nice person or you are not a nice person. Trying to be a nice person just makes you a sucker for the manipulation of others. You know what is right so do it instead of trying to live up to everyone's elses image of you.
5. Perceptions people try to stereotype others and fit them into neat little boxes. It is wrong to do to anyone. They are an individual and should be treated as an individual. If someone tries to fit you into their neat little perceptions of you they are probably a narcissist Borderline Personality Disorder. They cause chaos and harm where ever they go by their trying to fit people into their manipulations, anger, and role playing games. The sad part many people try to fit themselves into their own perceptions and stereotypes of themselves. You are not a constructed persona but a living breathing work of divine life. Honor yourself by not doing this to yourself.
6. Like yourself as you are the only person that can be yourself as a real person.
It is my advice so do not await others to validate you. Validate yourself before listening to anyone else. The only one you can truly believe and depend upon is the divine. They are the only one that will never disappoint you.
In psychology and human communication, validation is the reciprocated communication of respect which communicates that the other's opinions are acknowledged, respected, heard, and (regardless whether or not the listener actually agrees with the content), they are being treated with genuine respect as a legitimate expression of their feelings, rather than marginalized or dismissed.
I do agree with this opinion in many ways. Yet if we are judging ourselves and wait for others to validate us it may be a long wait. We have to like our own actions not wait for someone else to notice and give us comments to let us know we are doing the correct thing.
I notice in cases of abuse that causes evil to link to the victims they are all waiting for someone else to validate them and love them. Yet validation is for opinions and communication. They are validated as a person by their actions. Someone has to like themselves and their actions to be validated on the inside. They will never have enough love, nice comments, or happiness in life if they can not like themselves and their actions.
Parents that are abusive many times do not teach ethics or the fact that everything a person does has a reaction to their actions. In other words the repercussions of invalid actions are blurred because the abusive parent does not care if the child is right or wrong in their behavior. It is all about them and their feelings no matter what they do to the child.
Ninety percent of how an abusive person acts is about them. Someone points out some imperfection, ticked them off or made them mad. They are unable to be mad at the person who caused the feelings so take it out on an innocent person or child. Yet many of the victims never realize it is the other persons problems they are suffering for in their lives.
They accept the blame and then wait their entire lives for someone to make them feel right in their behavior and actions. To make them feel loved and place their problems all on the outside when they need to work on the inside.
You can be validated by others but the main person to care about is your own validation. You have to ask yourself did I like my actions? Am I proud of myself even if no one else seems to care? Do I love myself as no one else can do this for me no matter how much they love me. Am I reacting instead of thinking where I let others push my buttons so I act in ways I do not like acting? It is then how to correct any answers to these questions that the person does not like.
The only way to overcome abuse is to not carry it into others lives. It is wrong to take out everything upon others because you can not take them out on the circumstances that caused your feelings. It is hard to overcome the anxiety of others being upset at you no matter what you are doing.
I know I try to do certain things in my life.
1. Know what I did, saw, and reacted to and whether I was right in what I did? I have borderline decisions to make at times. I have to do the best I can and if I have done my best did the person I was helping carry their part of the burden. People do not listen to instructions and many times will not do what others ask yet they will blame the person effectiveness.
2. When abused and treated badly did I stand up for myself and cut the situation loose with forgivness. Abuse is just that and there is no excuse for it and no excuse to put up with it. Instead of complaining everyone is a grown up. If a person has to abuse me I walk away forgive them and will not work with them again.
3. Do I like myself? If I can not like myself when I think of how I acted when something happened then it is obvious that I did not do everything correctly. No one is perfect but I try to make myself and my work the best it can be.
4. Do not try to be a nice person. You either are a nice person or you are not a nice person. Trying to be a nice person just makes you a sucker for the manipulation of others. You know what is right so do it instead of trying to live up to everyone's elses image of you.
5. Perceptions people try to stereotype others and fit them into neat little boxes. It is wrong to do to anyone. They are an individual and should be treated as an individual. If someone tries to fit you into their neat little perceptions of you they are probably a narcissist Borderline Personality Disorder. They cause chaos and harm where ever they go by their trying to fit people into their manipulations, anger, and role playing games. The sad part many people try to fit themselves into their own perceptions and stereotypes of themselves. You are not a constructed persona but a living breathing work of divine life. Honor yourself by not doing this to yourself.
6. Like yourself as you are the only person that can be yourself as a real person.
It is my advice so do not await others to validate you. Validate yourself before listening to anyone else. The only one you can truly believe and depend upon is the divine. They are the only one that will never disappoint you.
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