Trying to Laugh at Life

“If you're going to try, go all the way. Otherwise, don't even start. This could mean losing girlfriends, wives, relatives and maybe even your mind. It could mean not eating for three or four days. It could mean freezing on a park bench. It could mean jail. It could mean derision. It could mean mockery--isolation. Isolation is the gift. All the others are a test of your endurance, of how much you really want to do it. And, you'll do it, despite rejection and the worst odds. And it will be better than anything else you can imagine. If you're going to try, go all the way. There is no other feeling like that. You will be alone with the gods, and the nights will flame with fire. You will ride life straight to perfect laughter. It's the only good fight there is.” 
― Charles Bukowski, Factotum

I always go all the way when I try to do something. Right now I am laughing at myself because classical belly dancing exercises are easier to do than paint my fingernails. I should have tried to learn that when I had good eyesight and steadier hands. Yet I keep going and do not quit.Who could have known?

It is the same way with my work. I do weird stuff and set off everyone's weird stuff O'meter. My clients are afraid to tell me what they are experiencing because everyone else has made fun of them and they feel so isolated. Many times it just helps them to have someone to talk too that is not making fun of them so they can relax and work out solutions.

I do not really tell what I do because of the ways I have been mocked, put down and isolated by people who have mistaken perceptions about what I do. The things I deal with are scary and no one including me wants them to exist in anyone's life. Yet when it happens the mockers make fun of the people who have me help them.

I feel I am a servant of God. I could do nothing with out God allowing it and helping me. Yet people always try to claim I am evil if they have no knowledge of what I do. I have to study the evil things to know how to ask divine energies to remove them. I have that knowledge and learned the hard way how evil others can be. I try to show my love of God by doing this and letting him be the judge and release. I try to do the right thing and be the right person.

Yet there is always mockery and isolation. People do not understand or care. It teaches you how to endure and like yourself. I always say that I will stand before God to tell him about my life and that I made mistakes. Yet I try all the way to be a person that will not be embarrassed to say what I do and how I acted to God. It keeps me safe.

The only way I can release and let go of the things that evil people or things have caused in my life is laughter. I have to have a sense of humor or this work would drive me crazy. I may be crazy any way according to normal standards but I can laugh about that also. At least I am an interesting crazy. None of this bang my head on the wall type.

I am functional in this world and I know that the way people act at times is all according to their own actions and agendas. They are jealous so try to destroy someone. They are hateful and lost someone in their life and try to make it so no one will ever have that person again. They try to destroy others, and ruin them because they are envious and can not do what the other person does. They are greedy and steal when they can get the same thing through God with out having to do anything wrong.

Yet I can still laugh and so should everyone else. Think about how ridiculous some of these things are in our lives. Who would have thought classical Belly Dancing exercises would be easy for a woman who has had bad bones? I must be more flexible than I ever thought possible. I thought painting fingernails was easy and it is the thing I can not do right. So laugh at yourself's and love yourself'. Dance with joy for the adventures of life after all there are other people on those park benches. Other people being mocked, and other people being isolated. You do not have to stay in those places if you laugh at yourself and endure to get out of the things you never thought you could endure.

Being Free

“Dance, when you're broken open. Dance, if you've torn the bandage off. Dance in the middle of the fighting. Dance in your blood. Dance when you're perfectly free.”
― Rumi

The dance of life is always hard to do. Life can break you open. It can test you to your deepest core. Others judge your inner core by their belief's and try to make it so you fit into their mental box for you. We are never free when we try to accept others by our own belief's. We trap ourselves into controlling life and God.

Tearing the bandage off is like pulling off the scab where it hurts again. We do this in our lives by living in past hurts and pain. We grieve and wear our sorrow like a bandage because life is not the way we want it to be. Our hopes and expectations were not met. We grieve as if we are able to control our lives and it is not us but divine will and our choices that shape what we do and where we go.

We go where we are needed, and dance in the middle or our battles in the dance of life. The ins and outs, the ducks, the hits and misses. The times we have failed and the times we have done right.  We dance in our own blood when we hurt so bad and still try to stay living because God still wants us here. We keep fighting because we know there is a purpose to us being here.

We may not be anyone special or seem to do things right but we are a beloved one of God. All of us are special and all of us are sons and daughters of God who yearn for our father. Yet a father has to be rough on his children to get them to understand what he is teaching them at times. People hate us, and we hate them. We forget about love for ourselves and others.

We are stereotyped to be judged by others who never get to know us. We are treated with bigotry, judged by our sex, and dance in the pain of our life and our blood. We have people not like our country so they do not like us. They do not like our religion or are so inflexible we are judged by our beliefs. We are never accepted as what we truly are the sons and daughters of God who are trying to find their Father.

The freedom happens when we realize we have always had what we are searching for but never knew how to reach God. The freedom is knowing his love is there no matter what happens in our lives. We are all loved no matter who or what we are. After all God's freedom is living in his love not trying to control our lives.